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Konuşamadım; dizimdeki acıyla, yüreğimdeki acı iç içe geçmişti. Peruğum çamur içindeydi, elime aldım, hayalet gibi evimin yolunu tuttum. Tuttuğum yol, o an o kadar uzun gelmişti ki, ayaklarımın sesi, içimde kırılan can kırıklarının sesiyle yankılanıyordu.
Eve varır varmaz soluğu lavaboda aldım. İlk kez avazım çıktığı kadar ağladım, peruğu duvara fırlattım, gözlerim kan çanağına dönmüştü. Aynadaki yüzüme bakıyorum; korkuyla bakan, ürkek beni görüyorum. Kendisiyle boğuşup duran o şaşkın, o iç içe geçmiş beni… Kişisel bütünlüğümün dağılarak pek çok “ben”e ayrılmış olduğunu ilk kez, bu kadar net görüyorum.
Bir çok şeyi bilmek ve bilmemek arasında gidip gelirken, anladım ki insan en çok kendine üşürmüş, en çok kendine yabancıymış ve en çokta kendinden kaçarmış. Ne çok ihtiyacım var avutulmaya, bu süreci yalanlarla süsleyip, kendimi kandırmaya!
Hani, çocukların bir masala kandığı gibi, bende her şeyin iyi olacağına kanmak istiyorum ama biliyorum ki bu benim gerçeğimdi. Yolum yollara karışmıştı, hangi yol hangisine çıkardı bilmiyordum.Tek bildiğim, insan acılardan, sevinçlerden, hayatı deneyimleyerek, yaşama yeni anlamlar yükler ve her açılan kapı, kendi olma adına, yeni bakış açıları sunar. Bana neler sunacaktı, henüz bilmiyordum.
Olcay KASIMOĞLU

Ürün Adı: Simurg Olmak Zamanı
Ürün Kodu: 9786059703581
Yazar: Olcay Kasımoğlu
Basım Yılı: 2017
Kapak Türü: Ciltsiz
Sayfa Sayısı: 380
Kağıt Cinsi: 2. Hamur
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